Yep.. here we go again..

I am not surprised that it's been over a year since my last post. But then again.. I'm surprised that it's been a over a year.. lol. 

I also marvel that one of my post says that maybe I don't blog because I feel I don't have much to say. Well.. I was so wrong. I have a lot to say and I need to start saying it. I need to put it out there and stop keeping it all bottled up inside me. It's funny to me that I have it in my mind to do a certain thing and when I start on that task I always end up somewhere else. I started looking through a folder on my computer to find a nice quote to burn for someone. While I was looking around in my files I decided for the 1000th time that I needed to organize my files on my computer, which I pretty much did, but in that process I started going through an old favorites folder and clicking on links and deleting the bad ones or the ones that I was no longer interested in which lead me to Spark People.. 

I had been blogging on Spark People but had not logged in since April of 2008.. So I was looking around and came upon my old blog post and WOW!! some of the things I said really amazed me.. Hmm.. did I really say that.. that doesn't sound like me at all. But you know.. It is me!! And on some level I wonder what happened to that insightful person.. But I know where she is.. She's right here. And in reading those post I said to myself.. Damn.. you haven't changed at all in the last 4 years.. your still smoking and your still depressed and your still fat.. and you still feel the same way now as you did then. What's it going to take for you to change and be the person you really want to be. But I'm here to tell you.. that I am the person I want to be because here I am.. I keep myself in this place so this must be the way I want things to be right? 

It's just like the other day when I was thinking about my son and how badly he has been eating and all the money he has spent on bad food.. eating out.. pizza.. blah blah. And I realized that he had bought and paid for his body.. why did he choose to do that.. hmm.. wait a minute.. "I" have bought and paid for "MY" body.. every time I make poor food choices and take my hard earned money and pay for that shit i'm paying for this body i'm in.. Huh!!! how about that shit.. 

So anyway I digress... 

Spark People.. 

So I'm going to copy and paste all my post from Spark People here so I have all my thoughts and bitches and gripes and groans in one damn place so that maybe I can see where the hell I've been.. and where the hell I'm going. And I'm going to try this again. I'm going to blog about my life.. and I'm not going to worry about my spelling.. cause I'm a terrible speller and it really bothers me.. it rather embarrassing.. and I'm not going to worry about all the dot dot dot's (...) cause I have no idea why the hell I do that but it drives me crazy.. and I'm going to say EXACTLY what the fuck is on my mind and I don't give a good damn about who likes it and who don't.. this is for ME!!!