Gym

Dear Mary...

I've been a little crazy when it comes to Gym... I swear I don't know how that man stands it lol. Friday night I was a little crazy with him via text and I felt so bad about it all day yesterday that I sent him a very long very honest email and his response via text was a smack in the face. I won't quote all the text just the one line that smacked me. He said "I feel like a minute wasted is a minute lost". It really did smack me upside the head..

6-8 months ago I went out with a guy named Carl.. he is a very nice man. I left that date feeling so good and happy.. we really clicked. Gym reminds me so much of Carl. They both are so caring and nice, willing to go out of their way to help someone. Complete gentleman, everything I was looking for in a man.. except for one thing.. they are both super busy. Not much time for spending with me and their time was all I wanted. Needless to say I blew it with Carl.. freaked out on him like I'm trying to freak out on Gym.. the only difference is that Carl was looking for a relationship.. Gym is not. I didn't want to try to build a friendship with Carl.. I already have a great friendship with Gym..

So last night I was thinking about Gym and about this repeated pattern and how I wanted his friendship more than anything else and didn't want to push him away like I did Carl so I sent him the long email. And his response was a light bulb moment. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason and I know that Carl came into my life to teach me something but I had no idea what all the lessons were.. I figured out some of them but I kept wondering why he and Gym were so much alike.. why had the universe brought me 2 men so much alike.. well Gyms comment on time lost made the connection for me because Carl said almost the same thing and.. So has my brother Tony.. So I know that these 3 people are trying to teach me that I'm wasting time..

I have said so many times that I feel like I'm running out of time.. and I truly waste a lot of time. Time sitting here in front of this computer.. Time I could be spending with people I love or doing things I love and in being more conscience of what I could be doing with my time would also make me appreciate the time I spend doing nothing.. because I believe we all need the times where we relax and do nothing.. right now that times means nothing to me. It's just another reason to beat myself up. And maybe.. just maybe.. I am suppose to teach Gym how to relax a little..

So Mary, the answer to the question about finding out if I will love spending time with family and friends.. I need to learn to let myself enjoy that time. Not worry about will I be accepted, not watch what I say for fear I will be judged, it just dawned on me that my time in Kentucky was wasted.. because it could have been so much more than I was willing to let it be.. which is a lesson not to waste anymore time with you.. we don't get much time together.. I need to make every second count ... in doing so that honors you.. and me. I love you...

Weigh in.

I weighed on Monday like I said I would. 243.. not as good as it has been but not as bad as it has been either. But now that Christmas is over I can get back on track. Reading back over all my old Spark People post made me realize how much clearer my thinking is when I'm eating a healthy whole real food low carb diet. So I've decided that's the way I'm gonna go in 2013. And I still hate to exercise.. LOL. Not sure how I'm going to overcome that one. I really believe Yoga is the way to go for me.. I REALLY like it. Today I'm going to try and find some free Yoga stuff online to help me.

Christmas

So.. Christmas has been put to bed for another year. I have always hated Christmas. I hated Christmas a little less this year... Christmas with my family was always a time when we all got together at my Grandma's house and it was wasn't about gift giving. It was about spending time together. Grandma always gave us gifts that she had made, be it a jar of creamed corn she had canned or homemade candy.. those gifts came from her heart and were so much more meaningful. We would have a big meal and play games and sometimes my Grandma would break out the homemade grape wine and she would get the little Flintstones jelly jars and give all us kids a sip of her wine. We thought we were big stuff drinking our wine lol. Then she would go in the front room and put on some music and dance with us. She was amazing.. I miss her so much. When she died everything changed. The family was fighting and some didn't speak to each other anymore. We still had family get togethers but not all the family came.

Then I stepped out of line and pissed the family off.. lol. So no more family Christmas for you young lady. Normally I always spend Christmas alone. Sitting in the house pouting and feeling sorry for myself, but I didn't do that this year. This year I cooked Christmas dinner and had my kids, granddaughter, brother and some close friends over. It was really nice to have the house full of people. Some of them I choose to be around.. some of then no so much... Christmas day I spent with Trishalicious and her family. We had breakfast and I watched them all open gifts.. I was so surprised when they handed gifts my way. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. not that gifts are important to me because they're not. I think way to much importance is put on what to buy people for Christmas and how much it's going to cost. I was warm and fuzzy because they cared enough to think about me and make me feel welcomed and included.

Later some of us went to Trisha's sister Loni's house for dinner. We sat around outside by the fire and had a few drinks.. ok.. I had a whole bottle of RumChata.. lol. And we talked and we laughed .. it was great. Very relaxing.. no pressures.. it was a nice Christmas.. do you know why? Because I LET myself enjoy it. It's great being an adult (well.. sometimes its great.. lol) and being able to choose my family. Family is not always about blood.. I think for 2013 I'm going to choose the people I associate with more carefully.

And for 2013 I will be able to spend more time with my newly found real family... my western family and hopefully my southern family too if I can every open the door on my brothers heart.. So Christmas for me this year marks the end of so many things in my past.. and so starts new beginnings.. where will this new road lead me?

I love my Mary so much...

And the answer to your question Miss Mary is I've had a good day. I was up at 7am. I showered and started cleaning the kitchen, the bathroom and I washed 2 loads of "stuff" that's been in the laundry room for awhile. One load of rugs which I hung up outside to dry to save on electricity.. I know it wont help me right now.. but in the long run it will make the bill come down next year. I have had a good day of staying on track food wise. I've had too many cups of coffee but hell... it wont cheese cake.. I didn't weigh today but that's a good thing. I get on the scales EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY.. which I'm going to stop doing. I will weigh on Monday's and post my weight here.. yep.. I'm gonna put it out there.. it's just a fucking number anyway..

From SparkPeople

The Present Moment..........

Thursday, April 17, 2008

So, my ego says…..hey! let’s post a sad blog entry, get a little attention, make everyone feel sorry for us……OKAY…..sounds like fun huh……..ahhhhhh, come on……let’s do it!!! What do you mean no, geese, I’m not likin this all this Tolle crap…..he is changing my best friend…pout. 

What is my relationship with the Present Moment? 

Life is my enemy. All ways has been. My sadness and depression are all I have ever known. They have been my best friends. They have gone through everything with me. They have eaten with me, smoked with me. Helped me marry. Wow. How scary is that. My ego picked my husband for me…….LMAO! 

Well the ego (not mine anymore thank you very much!) has been kicking my butt for the last week. Aided I’m afraid by PMS…lol. They are great friends. Oh the crazy things they have said. The CRAZY emails they have sent. I think they have scared everyone off…….. 

What is my relationship with the present moment? My breath is filled with smoke. It’s hard to concentrate on your breathing with you can’t breathe. But that IS my present moment. But it is not who I am. I am not a smoker, I am not a non-smoker. I just am. 

What is my relationship with the present moment? I don’t know………. 

Yesterday I bought the audio book………I sat in the warm sun all afternoon yesterday and had Tolle himself read to me. His voice is like a meditation to me. I felt such peace. Such awareness. 

What is my relationship with the present moment???? 

Up's and down's.......

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I have always known that at some point and time in my life everything would change for the better. I told myself on New Year’s Eve that THIS (2008) was going to be that year. I didn’t make any resolutions, I just decided to make life better. Decisions are funny things. Once you make them…..everything kind of falls into place. The first step in having the life I wanted was to get healthy, which I am well on my way to doing. I already feel soo much better. My body, which use to have all kinds of aches and pains no longer hurts. Because of my eating habits and vitamin supplements, the depression is almost gone, which is big for me because I would have suicide thoughts at least once a week. I’m pretty sure I have not had one this year. 

The next step was to work on my mind and spirit. I don’t remember how I was introduced to The Secret (through Oprah I think). But I started reading about it online and trying to incorporate the principles into my life. Then Oprah introduced A New Earth. And I see a lot of The Secret in his teachings, but they are more clear, more spiritual. I have always had a problem with what I was taught about God growing up. And I have never liked to talk to people about my views on religion. I have never tried to get people to believe the way I do. I have always thought God and religion was a very personal thing. I still do. But I feel I want to share how I feel about it now. I’m not sure where this urge is coming from and I feel kind of nervous about it but here goes. 

I have never believed that God makes us go through things for a reason. I do believe that what we go through makes us stronger and that we can use it for good for ourselves and others. I don’t believe that God performs miracles. Why would he pick and choose who gets a miracle and who does not. I do believe that he puts people on this earth to guide us. I don’t believe in immaculate conception. I believe Jesus was real, but a real man with a real father. I believe that God is very connected to nature. And I believe he lets nature take its course. I believe that God and the Universe are one and the same. 

I do believe that you get what you ask for. After you grow up that is…….lol. Boy have I asked for some sh*tty stuff over the years. But I’m asking for good stuff now. I work on a military base and my job was only part time. My husband has not been working since December and it has been real hard. I thought a few times that I was going to have to go to the food pantry and get food so we could eat. But I kept asking for a better job and for him to go back to work. This week he has gone back to work and I found out today that my job is going to full time in the near future. It’s a state job so that means HEALTH INS, LEAVE TIME, PAID SICK DAYS, PENTION!!! I asked and I received. 

So yes this is going to be my year. Yesterday I bought and started reading The Power of Now. I’m amazed at how different I see things now. Like at work when people are getting all pissed off and yelling, I just calmly watch and focus and breathe. I pay attention to all the stuff going on in my head and just let it be there. I don’t try to fight it anymore. I don’t let it make me feel bad. After all it’s just a thought. And I am not my thoughts. I just am. I have learned that I am not a lot of things. I just am. I have learned that I can live with the body I have right now. I just choose not to. I have learned that I can love myself right now, I don’t have to wait until I THINK I’m a better person. I already love the person I am now. I have learned that I must accept all things. That does not mean I have to like them. But if I accept them right now, then I can work on changing them in a positive way and not with negative energy. I have learned that I can do and be whatever I decide. And I have decided that this is my year! 

I wrote this yesterday. Right after I wrote it they called and told my husband not to come in today. Boy have I been in the dumps today. Then tonight they called and said come in tomorrow.....this is killing me....

RIP

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I believe the victim part of me, in the last several weeks, has died. In a strange way, I feel kind of sad about it. It was a part of me for soooo very long. I feel a little empty inside and confused. Sooo what do I do now? How do I act? I know very well how to be a victim.....I've been doing it since I was 2 yrs old. It's all I know. All my excuses are now shot to hell! I guess it's time to really start living huh? 

I know I will fill that void with lots of good stuff. I AM very excited about it. I still need to learn patience. I WANT IT NOW!! But as I've said before, as the layers peel away I find more and more stuff about me that is good, that I have hidden away even from myself for so long. It's a little scary to be putting the real me out there. I know I didn't do it for so long because I was tired of being hurt and you know what, I've been hurt a couple of times in the last several weeks and it still makes me mad but I am handling it different, instead of shutting down, I'm really starting to look at myself and realize that with each hurt.......I grow, but in a good way. Kinda reminds me of The Little Shop of Horrors......you know when he had to feed the man-eating plant blood and every time he did it would grow.......lol 

I am so aware of all the negatives in my life. Just being aware of them is huge for me. I mean like in an instant I know when I am feeling or hearing something negative. Sometimes I have caught myself saying something negative that I was not feeling, and that is just habit plan and simple. 

I can't believe the changes in me since 1/1/08. If I stayed the same as I was on 12/31 I know where my life would be going. Today I know my life is going in a totally different direction and I think the thing that bothers me most about it is the people that are going to be left behind. I mean this is one of those life changing feelings. I feel so very very close to something, like it's there just at the tips of my fingers. 

Every now and then through the years I would get a strong feeling about something, like knowing one day I would stop smoking, and those feelings would make me kinda stumble but I would shrug it off and keep going. Now I know that all those feelings I have had are going to really happen. I AM going to lose weight and be healthy. I AM going to run one day. I AM going to quit smoking. I AM going to own a house. I AM going to own a successful business. Strange........or is it? 

Anyway......the victim can RIP. She died because she had no reason to live longer, she has done all the damage she could do. The healing process has begun. 

Awareness

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I’ve been sick today. Left work early and went to the doctor. Flu……..blah…….But the doctor said my blood pressure is perfect 122/70 and my sugar was 112 so that was good. She was happy I was losing weight and concerned about my smoking. So I was not up to par today. Don’t feel I looked my best. But I was very aware of several things today. 

I noticed several people looking my way today. Not in a va va va voom way but in a Hmmmmm kind of way. I noticed several people were smiling at me and several who were polite to me. All strangers. 

1st it’s amazing that I was aware of this. 2nd this does not normally happen, and my first thought was, have I lost enough weight to be drawing attention to myself? And my answer to that was no. 

Normally I am very standoffish with people. I push them away to protect myself from getting hurt. I always walk around with either a mean look on my face or a sad look on my face. Not intentionally, just out of habit I think. And after today I am sure that that has changed. People were noticing me because I allowed myself to be noticed. 

So all this time when I thought no one noticed me because of my weight, it was not my weight at all but my attitude about myself. Because I am gaining self respect and confidence it has changed how I carry myself. What I am feeling on the inside is starting to show on the outside. Hmmm. I guess what I have felt on the inside has ALWAYS shown on the outside, it’s just that it is changing now from very very bad – to good. It was nice today to have someone open the door for me. Normally everyone just get’s the hell out of my way…….lol. 

I really don’t know the words to use to explain how I feel. Lighter, but not because I have lost weight. Maybe it’s the beginning of a peaceful feeling. At any rate I can’t wait to see what this grows into. 

Where do I fit in?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

SP is huge. Way to much info......lol. I can't keep up. I love it here, I really do. It is such a safe place. So many kind people. Last night while I was looking around ( I really like to look at others pages and peek into their lives and see how they are doing, really makes me feel good to see everyone working so hard!) I came across several teams that looked interesting. I almost joined and then I thought, you know what........you can't keep up with all these teams and you’re going to overwhelm yourself and head straight into self sabotage. 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I feel kinda out of sorts. Like I don't really know who I am. Everything is changing. It's strange to FEEL myself changing. To see things I didn't notice before. Not just in myself but in others as well. Like today for example. I was in the bathroom at work, not really THINKING about anything in peculiar, when all of a sudden from out of nowhere, like a voice popped into my thoughts.......(sounded like Darth Vader, who knew he was my father too....) before I tell you what Darth said here's a little back ground. Several years ago my Mom was diagnosed with cancer (heavy smoker) and she had to move in with me. I didn't want her there cause she had not been a good mother and I was raised by my grandma. Anyway it really kinda blew me out of the water and I feel I am just starting to get back to normal from it......it I was ever normal to begin with. 

BTW - today is the day my Mom passed away about 4 years now I think it has been. Anyway I had a really good job at that time and.....I don't know what happened to me but .....well I was angry. I started being a real sh*t to my boss (not that he didn't deserve it.....he was an a**) but he was the BOSS. I was really really depressed all the time and cranky and well you get the picture.....not very pleasant to be around. Anyway because of an email I sent to a former employee of the company that SOMEHOW the boss got a hold of……….....I was fired. It was the best paying job I had ever had. I was very proud of myself because I had not graduated from high school (GED). No college. I was the Office Manager and I did EVERYTHING for them. All the bookkeeping (which I taught myself with the help of my cousin), everything. I even wrote the company police.......me......a little back woods county girl who got pregnant at 17 and had to quit school. I mean I was the black sheep of my family......well......I still am but that's a different blog......lol. 

So you get the jist......I was very proud of myself for working my way up from making 5000.00 a year running a register to 34000.00 office job (which is good money for this rural part of Virginia). So it devastated me when I got fired, there I was screwing up again just like everyone KNEW I would.......failing once again..... and that shame has been with me ever since.......until today. 

Ole Darth said........out of the blue mind you......Who you are is not determined by your being fired from Colonial. You did a good job for them. Because you got fired does not mean that you are not a good employee, that you’re not smart. It just means that an unfortunate thing happened. And it's over.......you don't have to carry it around anymore. 

Really kinda blew me away because it was so sudden. I mean I know I think about it alot. But it truly was not on my mind at that moment......I mean I just had to pee for goodness sake. And it made me really realize that I'm changing. Not just my body, but my mind. How cool is that? And it made me wonder where do I fit in now? Cause I know I'm not much longer in the depressed crowd. Or the insecure crowd. I'm starting to feel more confident about myself which is awesome because I've only lost 19 lbs and that means I'm starting to accept myself the way I am RIGHT NOW. Which is what I was talking about in my last blog. And normally when something like this happens It scares me cause I know it's not going to last, that the good feeling will pass. But I really don't feel that's going to happen this time. 

Now I know that I'm still going to have bad days. I know that sometimes I will get a little depressed. But I don't think it will last. I really feel myself growing. And I’m very thankful for it, I’m very thankful that I’m aware of it. And I feel more confident than ever that I am going to lose this weight and have the life that I want. And I know that I’m really going to stop smoking this year….Hopefully by the end of March! And that I’m going to start to LIKE to exercise! And in the past when I thought things like that it would scare me……..and I don’t feel afraid, and I don’t feel in a hurry to get there (well except for the smoking lol). I feel………..curious…….if that makes any sense. And I’m glad that the playful part of me is starting to rear its head again. I even got on the treadmill tonight and walked for 30 mins………..A WHOLE 30 MINS. A couple of weeks ago I could only do 8 mins. Then 20, I was very surprised that I did 30 freakin mins.!!!

Well enough babble…lol. I’m off to surf more pages!! And not join any teams…….LOL 

Why can't we see, no why won't we see the beauty in ourselves?

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

First, I have blown the 29 day thing. Didn't exercise today and I don't care! I have pms bad and my tummy hurts so screw it. I'm taking the day off (lol, it's only been 4 days). And guess what! I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm going to do better tomorrow and forget about today! 

So that being said......After giving someone who's name we won't mention *wink* a "pep" talk today it got me thinking. 

Why won't we see the beauty in ourselves? This certain "someone" won't see how beautiful she is. She won't give herself a very well deserved pat on the back for how far she has come, she will only look at how far she needs to go and is already worrying about getting there and blowing it all on a piece of cheesecake from the cheesecake factory! Thick, sweet Pineapple cheesecake.....covered in real whipped.....ok.....sorry so anyway......It has really been frustrating to me for her to ask me how she looks or how her clothes are fitting (which she is STILL buying to big) or wanting someone to flirt with her and i'm thinking to myself......DAMN! I would kill to look like you. Can't you see it? Look in the mirror for heaven's sake. 

But later after I had thought about it and I remember going into a store one day many months back and there was this lady working there and she was very heavy and I felt really bad for her. I knew the minute I saw her that she didn't like herself. You can tell by how people take care of themselves. Her hair was half combed and greasy. She had stains on her clothes. I really wanted to reach out and help her.......but I didn't (which is one of the things I love most about SP.....I can help someone else....I can tell them how beautiful they are and make them feel good, even if it's only for a moment!). 

Anyway after leaving that store it dawned on me that even tho I see myself as this horrid whale thing, that the lady in that store would probably kill to look like me. There I was standing in front of her thinking about how bad my life is and blah blah blah. I felt kinda guilty. 

Now I realize that we all have our own problems and that we all deal with them differently, but we are also very alike, can't we be still for a few minutes and realize all the good things in our lives? And I am speaking to myself here as well. 

Which made me think about something else. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. For example........Let's say I get to my goal weight of 141. Great!! Woo Hoo!! I made it. But all I have changed is my weight. I didn't change the fact that I eat when I'm depressed. I didn't change the fact that I eat when I stressed. All these things go along with it. Which brings me around to what I read on another's page (sorry, I've read SO many that I can't remember where I read it to give you credit). 

If I can't love myself now at 236 what is going to change to make me love myself at 141. Do I hate myself because of my weight? I don't think so. HOWEVER! I do think that in order to work on what is the underlying cause........you have to first peel away the layers. Because that is what the weight is. It's a cover. 

We cover up what we don't want to see or deal with. We hide in it. And we use it as an excuse so we don't have to deal with life. If only...... 

If only I weren't so fat I could be happy... 
If only I weren't so fat I wouldn't be depressed...... 
I would deal with the other problems in my life if only I were skinny enough to handle it. 

So here is my advice to you my dear friend and also to myself and many others. Learn to love yourself NOW. Don't look at this as just a weight loss journey. Oh it is a weight loss journey to be sure, but it's also a journey to self. A journey of Love! And I have bad day's(boy do I have bad days) but I know this time I'm going to make it. But I'm not just going to lose the weight. I'm going to find out what's really underneath it. As I learned when I visited Betty's page.......I am going to create myself on this journey. And I will be very excited to finally meet the REAL me!

29 day exercise challenge starting 2/1/08........I'm in.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Ok, so I've lost my mind and joined the 29 day exercise challenge that starts Feb. 1st. Great day.....what was I thinking........you in on this with me Tricia? 

Also I did order the work out dvd. 

I have also been sitting at this computer for 2 full days doing stuff on SP. How am I gonna exercise if I can't get away from SP??.......lol

To exercise or Not to exercise........

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

So I hate to exercise. I feel like a little kid stomping her feet, pouting and acting like a baby. It's very embarrassing......LOL. After all I am a grown woman (shut up Tricia.....lol) I didn't go to aerobics last night. I know I'm not going tonight either (I've been home sick all day). I love to dance and I keep telling myself to just listen to my mp3 player and dance! Have I done it no..... 

I'm tired of beating myself up over the exercise thing and I wish I could figure out WHY I hate it so much. Maybe it's because I know it will really help me. Not just with the weight lose, but it will make me feel so much better physically and mentally. I guess if it's something that's going to cause a positive reaction, I fight it tooth and nail. 

Sigh......I really don't have the money for it but I'm going to order the workout video I've been wanting right now. I guess that is a step in the right direction, but then how do I make myself use it???

My friend Negative has returned.......

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'm going to ramble..... 

Soooo Tricia and I went back to Curves today. I was feeling good about going....silly me. Then my dumb a** (yeah I know I'm beating myself up again) just had to get on the scales. 

Let me tell you about all the stupid scales I come in contact with. They are all out to get me. The one I had broke. So I got a new one. Its the dial kind. It sucks, didn't show my right weight. It is still in the bathroom. So I bought a new one. Digital this time. It sucks too. Shows something completely different from the bathroom one. Both don't show what the scale at Tricia's house say. And guess what. The scale at Curves sucks too. 

WTF, up a pound, down a pound, up 2 pounds down a pound, up 2 more. JEEZE. I FEEL smaller. My clothes are fitting me differently. Why can't the damn scales get on board??? 

I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not going to make it. I feel like giving up. I feel like I don't deserve this. I feel like pond scum. 

So then after riding around crying for about 20 mins. I went to Wal-Mart to get my food for the week. $143.00!! No wonder we are all fat. Who the hell can afford to eat healthy. So then I felt guilty. We have no money. My husband is only working 2 days a week right now. We have bills to pay, but instead of paying them I'm out buying freakin veggies. 

Of course I HAD to buy the keto sticks. I was really nervous going in the bathroom to use it. I just knew that was gonna blow the deal, but sure enough......I'm in ketosis........SO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE SCALES!!!!!!!!! 

Sigh........

Space log........day 27

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I must admit that I am completely impressed with myself!! I STILL have not had a diet mt. due in 27 days.......I have not PUT ONE SINGLE THING IN MY MOUTH THAT SHOULD NOT BE THERE IN 27 DAYS..........I HAVE NOT BEAT MYSELF UP FOR 2 DAYS......... I think I have been taken over by an alien.....AN I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     ok......so one more thing. I just realized that when I weighed in I put 134 instead of 234. I have noticed that every time I talk to Tricia about what I have lost I always say 1 this or 1 that. Does this mean something........I think just maybe I have it in my head that I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THIS TIME!!!!! 

Ok......I just looked back and realized that I had 2 good days prior to today......that must mean I haven't beat myself up in 4 FREAKIN DAYS....... 

I am your disease.......

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I hate a Higher Power. 

I hate anyone who has a Program. 

To all who come in contact with me, 

I wish you suffering I wish you death 

Allow me to introduce myself. 

I am the disease of addiction--- 

Alcoholism - drugs - eating - disorders - etc. 

I am cunning, baffling and powerful. That's me!!!! 

I have killed millions, and I am pleased. 

I love to catch you with the element of surprise. 

I love pretending I am your friend and lover. 

I have given you comfort, have I not? 

Wasn't I there when you were lonely? 

When you wanted to die, didn't you call me? 

Wasn't I always there? 

I love it when I make you so numb 

you can neither hurt nor cry-- 

you can't feel anything at all. 

This is true Glory. 

I give you instant gratification. 

I've always been there for you. 

When things were going right in your life, 

you invited me. 

You said you didn't deserve these good things. 

I was the only one who would agree with you. 

Together we were able to destroy 

all things good in your life 

all I asked of you was long-term suffering. 

People don't take me seriously. 

They take strokes seriously, 

heart attacks seriously, 

even diabetes they take seriously. 

Fools that they are, they don't know 

that without my help these things 

would not be made possible. 

I am such a hated disease, 

and yet I do not come uninvited. 

You choose to have me. 

So many have chosen me over 

reality, peace and serenity. 

More than you hate me, 

I hate all of you who have a 12 step program. 

Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power, 

all weaken me and don't allow me to function 

in the manner I am accustomed to. 

Now I must lie here quietly. 

You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. 

When you allow me to control you, 

I LIVE. 

When you live 

I CAN'T. 

But I am here.... and until we meet again, 

If we meet again - - - - 

I WISH YOU CONTINUED DEATH AND SUFFERING. 

author unknown 

I WANT TO EAT!!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I don't know why but I REALLY wanted to eat today. I DIDN'T. But I really wanted to. I did make myself a low carb pizza. It felt like cheating but it wasen't. Back to the store tomorrow to buy next week's round of veggies.....lol. Does my skin have a green tint?

How am I mentally??

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I have had 2 good days!! This is my reminder that I want to post a blog to myself (a positive one!) for me to read when I'm having a bad day. I don't know what changed over the weekend to make me feel more positive. Not just about changing my eating habits but life in general. I want it to keep going up. I am very tired of being depressed and negative!

Treadmill Minutes

Monday, January 21, 2008

OK, just did 15 mins only did 8 yesterday.......woohoo!!

Anger and acceptance

Monday, January 21, 2008

I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday leading with the diet (finally!). I stayed pretty depressed all week and mad as hell....lol. Yesterday I got off my butt and planned out my food for 3 weeks, complete with the shopping list to go with it. Took apart my dinning room table and put it in the attic so I could bring in the treadmill from the shed. Really really made me feel more in control. 

I really like SP but It's not very LC friendly with their diet plans and advice but that's ok. I don't need a diet plan. I need to figure out what is good for my body and what is not by listening to what my body says. 

This is the reason I was mad as hell. My best friend is doing this with me. She has lost 35 lbs in the last few months. Since the 1st she had planned out her food and started exercising. I just realized yesterday WHY I was mad at her. It was because she was leading with the diet. Moving forward without me and I wanted her to stay where I was. Miserable. Of course I couldn't figure it out until I started leading with the diet, which removed something's so that I could see what was really going on. 

I think that I was also mad cause I want this to be easy. And I had to come to grips with the fact that it's just not going to be. I also had to admit to myself that I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF. Nobody can do it for me which is what I have been looking for........someone do it for me. I wanted someone to TELL me what to eat. LOL......nobody can do that. I have to figure it out on my own. I also realized that I just don't trust myself. And I need to learn that I can take care of me better than anyone else. I also know that if someone tells me how and what that when I get to goal I will still beat myself up about it......If I do it then when I get to goal I will be proud of myself. 

So I have decided that to make this process a learning experience to learn about my body and it's likes and dislikes food wise. I will allow myself to enjoy the process, even the bad times, because the outcome will be letting myself get to know the real me. Good and bad. This is the easy layer now. The hard part will be when the weight is gone and I have to deal with what is really under it. 

Exercise......

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I have spent the entire morning so far crying. It started because of my smoking. I smoke a lot and this morning I felt really guilty because of it which is a good thing. Maybe i'm on my way to stopping. 

Then I came here to SP and was reading different peoples pages and that made me cry also. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I see alot of people getting serious about exercise and I feel guilty cause I'm not doing it. At first I thought......this place is suppose to help me.....it's not helping me it's making me cry. But then I talked to my husband about it. I have a treadmill but really don't have anywhere to put it. So we are going to take the dinning room table apart and put it in the attic and set up my treadmill where the table was. Now if I can just make myself use it. But at least I'm getting it set up. So I guess this is helping me right.....

Still chuggin along

Friday, January 18, 2008

So far so good. Still eating like I'm pose to . Didn't get on the scales this morning. Didn't want to know.....LOL. I did put some stuff in the freezer that I can grab and cook fast to keep me on track. I have also ordered a few books to help me. I think I will just start experimenting to see what foods my body likes and what it doesn't. Still need to get in some exercise but I keep telling myself that when I can get some more of this weight off I will feel better and have more energy to put into it. It will also give me the confidence to want to exercise. I have been getting my 8 glasses of water a day but I need more. I'm going to really work on getting to 100 oz today.

I made it!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Well I made it thru last night without eating anything I was not suppose to! I kept telling myself....go ahead...eat, no one will know but you. But I didn't do it. I didn't even drink a diet MD, even tho I told my husband to get me one while we were at the store......but then I told him to put it back and get me some water. I feel a little better today. PMS is almost gone. We will see what the scales say in the morning........

Very frustrated!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Day 15....I have eaten what I am suppose to. I have drank my water. I have not had a diet MD for 15 days and this morning the stupid scales tell me I am up 2 lbs. I really don't understand. I really want to give up. I keep telling myself that it's just pms. But it really does not matter when I don't see the scale moving. When I came home I REALLY WANTED TO EAT ONE OF THOSE STUPID PASTRIES!!!!! But I haven't, It made me realize that I didn't want to eat it cause I was hungry.......God knows I haven't been hungry in weeks, I didn't want to eat it because I had a craving, I wanted to eat it to hurt myself, to punish myself. BECAUSE FOR SOME FREAKING REASON I STILL DON'T BELIEVE THAT I DESERVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!! 

What is it really going to take for me to change how I feel about myself? It's like a double sided coin. I'm scared to and scared that I won't. 

I really hate myself. Nobody knows how much I hate myself. I know this such a typical thing for someone like me to say but I really feel that if people really knew the real me they would hate me. And in turn I won't let people get close to me, I'm very standoffish with people. Keep your distance. Then, lol, when nobody wants to be around me I wonder.....well, what's wrong with me? Why is it that nobody talks to me? Whine, whimper, cry.......aren't I just pathetic..... 

I really beat myself up all the time. To Fat, ugly, mean, cranky, bad hair, bad teeth, can't do anything right. Can't feel right. Can't let people know how I really feel. Can't lose weight. Can't finish anything!! 

And I hate to exercise.....this is wrong to. Why can't I be normal? I'm going to sleep.........

Walking

Monday, January 14, 2008

Well today is the 14th and I have been trying to make myself walk since the first. I finally went for a walk this afternoon. I walked for 30 mins. (i was only going to do 15!). I know walking will really help me. I hope I keep it up.

Yep.. here we go again..

I am not surprised that it's been over a year since my last post. But then again.. I'm surprised that it's been a over a year.. lol. 

I also marvel that one of my post says that maybe I don't blog because I feel I don't have much to say. Well.. I was so wrong. I have a lot to say and I need to start saying it. I need to put it out there and stop keeping it all bottled up inside me. It's funny to me that I have it in my mind to do a certain thing and when I start on that task I always end up somewhere else. I started looking through a folder on my computer to find a nice quote to burn for someone. While I was looking around in my files I decided for the 1000th time that I needed to organize my files on my computer, which I pretty much did, but in that process I started going through an old favorites folder and clicking on links and deleting the bad ones or the ones that I was no longer interested in which lead me to Spark People.. 

I had been blogging on Spark People but had not logged in since April of 2008.. So I was looking around and came upon my old blog post and WOW!! some of the things I said really amazed me.. Hmm.. did I really say that.. that doesn't sound like me at all. But you know.. It is me!! And on some level I wonder what happened to that insightful person.. But I know where she is.. She's right here. And in reading those post I said to myself.. Damn.. you haven't changed at all in the last 4 years.. your still smoking and your still depressed and your still fat.. and you still feel the same way now as you did then. What's it going to take for you to change and be the person you really want to be. But I'm here to tell you.. that I am the person I want to be because here I am.. I keep myself in this place so this must be the way I want things to be right? 

It's just like the other day when I was thinking about my son and how badly he has been eating and all the money he has spent on bad food.. eating out.. pizza.. blah blah. And I realized that he had bought and paid for his body.. why did he choose to do that.. hmm.. wait a minute.. "I" have bought and paid for "MY" body.. every time I make poor food choices and take my hard earned money and pay for that shit i'm paying for this body i'm in.. Huh!!! how about that shit.. 

So anyway I digress... 

Spark People.. 

So I'm going to copy and paste all my post from Spark People here so I have all my thoughts and bitches and gripes and groans in one damn place so that maybe I can see where the hell I've been.. and where the hell I'm going. And I'm going to try this again. I'm going to blog about my life.. and I'm not going to worry about my spelling.. cause I'm a terrible speller and it really bothers me.. it rather embarrassing.. and I'm not going to worry about all the dot dot dot's (...) cause I have no idea why the hell I do that but it drives me crazy.. and I'm going to say EXACTLY what the fuck is on my mind and I don't give a good damn about who likes it and who don't.. this is for ME!!!